“Haven’t you learnt by now, it hurts either way?”
I instantly felt a huge wave of loss drift through my body and with that, everything hit me all at once. Hard, fast and as though I had no room to escape or breathe.
Everything i’d ever had just ripped from under my feet and was swept away in a torrential whirl wind, a disaster I was incapable of fighting or preventing.
I sat on my bed listening to a song that, with the build-up of music and the thoughts I had in queue of processing made me break out into upset and devastation.
My dad had knocked on my door only a few minutes before asking if I were ok, I wasn’t, but I lied and bluntly responded with a yes.
For him to intercept and go out of his way to check on me, made my emotions tip over the edge as my dad doesn’t ever involve himself, he tends to just stay out and walk away when I’m upset allowing my mum to calm me down and give me the solution.
I watched the door close slowly and softly, the handle gently replaced to its horizontal fixture, I took a deep breath in and held it, waiting for the footsteps that made the floor boards creak gain motion towards the stair well, and down to the living room… the door opened, you could always hear the carpet being brushed underneath and then the gentle closure of the frame work to lock.
I burst out into a theatrical eruption of tears, plummeting head first into my pillow to try and muffle the volume of it.
So many things were spinning around my head right now, how I missed him, how I cared so much and so deeply for him, how he didn’t want anything to do with me, how his grip had well and truly slipped away from mine, how I was no longer held as a valued part of him or his life, how he was not mine, how what we had no longer had any room for energy in his life.
Being faced with the realisation that you are allowed to feel hurt too.
I had emailed him a few days before listing all the things that I missed about him, the very personal things that only a beloved observer would ever notice, like how he held his hands up to his face and twizzled the far corners by his ears, of his weekly beard growth when concentrating on writing an email slowly, then putting his index finger and thumb to his mouth to slightly brush along the frame of his full bottom lip, when he was re-reading his reply, to the freckles that I remember on his body which are indented on my memory as though they stand for co-ordinates of a treasured map to gold, to the way he talks and how I knew exactly how he would answer certain people, the body language he uses through expression, his eyebrows that quivered when he was angrily trying to explain something to me, or when we were in an argument. I missed it all, the good of him, the irritating, to the moments that I almost forgot about because, they were so inadequate to our relationship at the time but now, have become a huge memory to hold onto as its the things only I will have ever been exposed to or felt with him.
I had spent so much time circulating around the conclusion that he didn’t deserve what I did to him, and that there was nothing to fight for because he needed a life without me.
This was my head talking and I was happy with this choice because of it, I found it only to have sense and be a well thought out plan and to provide the best for his future.
But having spent the last two months listening to my head and letting it lead, my heart had been bottling up and it resulted tonight to an implode and eruption of all the other factors I have been avoiding feeling.
I missed him and I did want the life that I had with him, I never didn’t want it, it just wasn’t always my first leading priority with what I needed for my life.
There was a huge unjustifiable sense of grieving that made me think I had to see him, I had to feel him, I never was allowed a proper goodbye as I didn’t let myself think I deserved one but now, now I needed that more than ever.
I just want to be able to tell him all the good that I felt with us and just hope that there will be an inkling that he may stay with faith in his mind that he wants to see me in the future for a rekindling prospect.
I wanted to keep him in my life even if it be at bay, but then I also wanted to have him in my life for the future to come however bad or good. I wanted to love him and make it work with him I didn’t want anyone else.
I drove to the moor that night and sat in my car for two hours. Waiting for him to come after me having messaged him saying that is where I would be.
I think the more heart wrenching thing was that he would have been there in seconds for me once even a few weeks ago maybe but he never showed. I told him I’d wait then in the cold, he just told me to go home.
That’s what made me realise he is ready to move on from me and that decision has been made in his life.
Mainly because, I had never put up a fight for him to think otherwise, but maybe this was the time to give him a fight and run for his money and if he still didn’t want me okay at least I tried.
I thought it was the best thing leaving and walking away, thinking I was doing him a favour by not fighting, but now its only been a waste of time.
I didn’t fight because I didn’t want to care, I didn’t want to care because it was too difficult to come to terms with what I just lost, so if I gave it up through neglecting the matter then I wouldn’t have to see it and live with it.
But now it’s gone the situation I so desperately wanted to be freed from and now I wanted it back.
In an egotistical way, I wanted him to want me still, I wanted him to hold the preserved significance of earnestness he always claimed to have for me, whilst I sat prettily in a little pristine box on display for him, lasting forever.
I never thought there would be a day where he didn’t want me, I self-obsessively always anticipated I was the one which brought more character to the relationship, producing it to be something better, creating more life for us as a couple.
How very imprudent of me to be holding myself on such an immoral hierarchy shelf to him.
Now look where that ego got me, begging, begging with my eyes streaming and my hearts contents poured onto the floor as he firmly shut the door on what was once his life with me.
The self-centredness only came back to bite me and left me feeling jaded, whilst he gained redemption and satisfaction through my wallowing and confessional stages of not being able to live without him.
Through this stage of break up the worst thing you can ever do is give away your power of control over yourself. I gave him all the power I possessed.
I will never again allow myself to feel out of control of my feelings by letting someone else see me and filter in their opinion of me, to only add further disruptive, havoc to my life.
I have learnt that lesson for future times ahead, I need to allow myself to go through every stage, feel them fully and truly wallow in them, but I do this for myself.
I thought by projecting that I wanted to make things work with each other that I was allowing him to see how sorry I was, but no, I was allowing him to see me at my worst and lowest point, knowing full well he wouldn’t want to be there to help collect the repugnant pieces of me that he once saw as my collateral beauty.
I always knew from the moment he said we wouldn’t be able to work a few days after I saw him when I arrived back, that he meant it and there was no going back for him because that’s his character, he’s firm with what he feels and believes and once he makes an executive decision he sticks to it, unlike me, the opposing indecisive wreck of emotion that bulldozes around one day to the other contradicting myself and never selecting one point to focus on.
We were always opposites in most areas of life which were practical, simply because I am not a practical person and he was so head screwed on.
At times which are low, I have to maintain my belief in myself otherwise the weakened structure I hold up messily, like loose scaffolding protecting my heart will tumble down as soon as someone takes the reins over what I need and what I am, by giving me their opinion.
Keep your power, the parts that make you you, even at your rawest moments when you most despise yourself, that will be the key to recuperating self-love and acceptance for all the hate and punishment you feel towards yourself. It is so imperative to always remind yourself that, regardless of how important someone has been in your life and how well they knew you, you will always know yourself better and if you are yet to find out more about yourself, then there’s no better time than now.