Series 2- Starting life without you

Taking the wrong turn can sometimes change your whole life’s direction 

Since I’ve been back home I have no idea what I have done or remotely achieved in the past three days. Time has felt as though it was far from the essence, in-fact I have blinked and the clock has leapt four hours.
The unusual thing is that, even though time is vanishing from me without granted permission, the days had left me feeling fatigued and lethargic as if I have been consistently constructive.

I felt like I was on an urge of self re-invention only to keep being reminded that I’m single due to rupturing someone’s heart and ripping out the underserved love they possessed for me, I’m un employed, I spent a measly month travelling before I had to come back due to said hearts rupture, I have affected friendships and done so much self-damage I have no idea where to start in order to heal the destruction my own actions have produced.

I sighed laying down on my bed looking blankly at the ceiling and thought, I’d start off small and go for a run that would help to clear the air, I would be starting the ladder of bettering myself by fabricating my visual aspects whilst exhaling deleterious thoughts, inhaling prospective thoughts.

I drove to one of the forests nearby for some fresh air,  I usually just take routes from my house through local fields and paths, but as we both lived in the same village, really not that far from one another and my lane was a cut through for his parents to get back home, I made the conclusion to stick to my solitary state of mind, avoiding at all costs a display of confrontation and to escape to somewhere I would be dismissed.

 

It has acer upon acer of dusty paths, tall standing pine trees, silver birch, and currently as its heading into winter, the autumnal transition of colossal red leaves, dusty oranges, and forever fluent greens that scattered the floors of the unlimited winding paths.

As I began my route I felt the best I had since this all happened (I was aware this feeling of baffling contentment would possibly only see through to the end of the day, but I went with it) I was feeling something and that was positive.
I felt determined that this run would re-boost my vitality to focus on how I could start to become an improved person.
I felt invigorated by the pendulous trees that shaded and protected me from the featureless dreary sky that hung above looking despondent and pissed.

I took a route I was familiar with but after a while I realised I was so deep in thought with running and keeping my motivation high that I had taken a wrong turn.
In-fact, I had taken a few wrong turns around this area before and very quickly after re-directing myself managed to be on route for where I needed to head again, so I continued despite my unacquainted vision for where I was and what path I was on.
At first I thought perfect, I have all the time in the world to be lost, lost in life, lost with paths, I don’t need to feel anything just enjoy this moment and I’ll be back soon.

What felt like a lifetime crept by,  I went from a positive frolicking run to dashing from bridal pathway to road path and very often found myself looping in circles around the same goddamn area.
I swear those two construction rubble piles were just on my right…now on the left!
That means I’ve come back on myself and re visited the same direction.
I then ventured down a road that was a bikers avenue, it suddenly narrowed and had more ridges and ruts on the surface which, having recently rained, made it an ardous route to walk through.
Puddle upon puddle started to form the further I walked down the lane, until I was challenged with a dug out trench of water one side and a slosh pit of horses hoofs that were squelched and sodden the other side.

I was grateful no one was around me as I hopped and leaped from the edges of the road into the middle to the more forgiving damp areas.
After all of this faff to get to the end of the road, I had realised all that effort and stress was upheaved when I saw I had only come back up to the lane that pointed beside it.

I GIVE UP! I thought, it would get dark and I would be here, this was a sign from the world saying I’m lost already I don’t deserve to find my way back, I need time to think and simmer in the wilderness about my actions before I can envisage a future with affluence and delight. To top my grumpy, irritated mood I was busting for a wee and I had no phone… due to previous antics of selfishness when away, through the mist of debating the break-up with him I decided to throw away my phone to avoid the aggravation I was receiving from everyone at home, so this now lead to having no way of letting my dad, who I just told id be an hour know that I was lost!

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Pacing diligently to and from old pathways, which one do I go down?

As I spun round with anger and just as an anxious build up of frustration started to form in my chest I saw a lady in the distance running alone with her husky dog.
I started to speak to her as she approached to find she had her headphones in, so I walked in the track she was running with smiling panic and desperation “excuse me, do you know how to get back to the car park? I’m so sorry to interrupt you” I said to her in a flustered freak “are you lost?” her eyes were piercing blue like the colour of the shallow, translucent sea you wake up to on the balcony of your Bahamas holiday, these pools of azure blue were set in soft, creased skin that formed character lines to the sides of her face. Her complexion was typically pale for a blonde, with an ever so slight warm honey tone to it, the shape of her face was slim and wrinkled, with a few age spots and blemishes, her forehead was hidden with her perfectly straight soft fringe. I would have guessed she must be in her 50’s, she had kind eyes and a light-hearted presence to her face that settled my angry nerves almost instantly.
“Yes, I think I’ve been walking around for about two hours now, I have no idea where I am!”.
“Don’t worry, when I first moved here I was lost all the time, even with my phones maps up and running. The car park is this way, as you follow the route you’ll see a slight right turn, turn down there and then keep going.”
“Thank you so much, I really appreciate it, thank you, sorry to interrupt your run”. Feeling a little lifted that I was on the right track, I thought to myself, what a nice lady, as I followed the directions of the route she had given me. Now calm down and stop getting so worked up.
On the right hand turn I passed an oak tree, it was so impressively picturesque I had to stop and stare for a second. The giant leaves that loitered on the floor crafting a new surface for my feet to walk upon, where splashes of vivacious ruby reds and blazing oranges that created a life-like fire on the floor in-front of me.
I loved autumn, it was my favourite time of year, and I think the only time that left me so speechless.
It was a time to allow everything to welter and wither only to then look forward to seeing the repercussion of it being born again in the upcoming months ahead.

I don’t think there is anything else on this earth that is as romantically beautiful as the corpse leaves that drop lifelessly, abandoning the whimpering skeleton of the tree.

I took a deep breath and told myself to stop being so angry, I had made a mistake and I would learn why within time, I would allow my subconscious to unlock the truth regardless of how much that will hurt me to come to terms with it.
I just needed the burden of my guilt and the knowledge of me having caused suffering, to live on right now and soon it will turn to the progression of the autumn leaves, it will start to deplete and my heart would allow me to renew itself with forgiveness, becoming resurrected into the world to give nothing but love once more, I just needed to allow the seasons of my pain to go through formation first, that being something that can’t be rushed.

I realised I was still going the wrong way after I saw a sign that showed I was heading towards the main office and centre of the national park… I sighed and looked up to the sky, the air was now turning cold and felt icy on my skin as I had stopped running and the adrenaline had worn off.
My skin that had been recently basking in sun and trying to avoid the humidity at all costs, started to feel the climate change of countries.
A shiver ran from the tip of my occipital region to the bottom of my coccyx as though someone had just placed an ice cube along my spinal cord. I looked down at my fingers, still tanned but my nails had a shimmer of a blue undertone making my hands appearance more wrinkled from the cold.

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It’s funny how little moments in life are sometimes such a discernible sign that you wouldn’t think to look for.

As I wandered back having finally started to recognise the path I was meant to be on, I thought about this small outing today and what it signified in my current situation.
I took all the wrong paths, I spent wasted time wandering aimlessly in hope of re-connecting onto the right path, and all reactions were fuelled by the wrong mind-set which worsened my approach to the situation.
A bit like me at the moment, I had taken a wrong turn whether it was intentional or by mistake I turned and didn’t look back, now I am paying the consequences of not knowing what avenue is right, what path to take, what direction to head in.

“Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found”.

We will never really know what the right path is unless we take a step away from the current position of where we stand. It’s not until we actually put one foot in-front of the other and move towards a new direction, that we are able to see the reasoning as to why that was the right thing to do. Sometimes you have to lose your way in life to notice you were ever on the wrong path to start with.

I spent the rest of the afternoon at home just sitting there, pondering thoughts raced around in my head like energetic butterflies,  I couldn’t help but ask myself was I on the right tract? Would I ever be able to take charge of my life by what I had done?

I truly believe and always have done in the saying, “Everything happens for a reason”, this emotion was still so early on in the break-up, it was one where I knew the worst was yet to come but allowed myself to think maybe if I stood really still… the rest of the awful feelings I had yet to endure would walk on by smoothly. Obviously, I was incredibly incorrect as they hit me like a shit ton of bricks and caused me to make uncountable mistake after mistake.

The more emotions I went through seemed to simultaneously link with the timings of the more information I found out about my ex’s new life he was living.
I was never quite prepared to have the rest revealed.

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