Letting the emotions that were once love turn turmoil, delivering a crazy version of you.
Well, no one could ever prepare you for the delightful stage of when you see your ex with a new candidate for their love life, only a inadequate month and a few weeks after you both having settled the fact you needed to split.
Seeing him on a date with another girl was hard enough to see through my own eyes, the instant lump in my throat that lodged its way harshly and abruptly as I saw him walk into the bar smiling, and then the face of a girl I had never seen before, appear closely behind, made me wish for the only time in my life that I had been blind.
This is something no one expects to see or have to live through, but what made it oh so more insufferably worse was the fact that only a 4 days before, I went over to his and poured my heart out and declared my love and well-being of vision for our relationship.
I went there knowing no one was home, as I had my sister assembled the last of my belongings from his that morning.
I had spent all day I spent thinking, “I need to go see him, tell him that I’ve see the light and I’m sorry it took so long but I will do anything to make this work.”
As he opened the door, the dissatisfied look of who it was snappishly made me feel un-welcomed and whatever love I had left in me to try and fight for us, he was having none of it.
It was as though he allowed me to die as a person the moment I told him the news, I had vanished from his heart with no time for acceptance or room for forgiveness.
This was me speaking to him just over a month after I was back, begging to him that I wanted to make things work, maybe not right now, as I knew he wanted more time, but in the future.
He looked at me as though I was a complete alien having a rational break-down, a burden to his day, and a face that was disposable upon a crowded sea of many other faces.
Those eyes looked down on me in a such a profound delivery of judgemental mocking, the same eyes I fell well and truly in love with, as soon as I locked with them all those years ago I was privileged to look at them personally.
The eyes that used to be my favourite daily read but now they were sealed off and looked shielded and un fazed.
I understand I have hurt him above and beyond, but how could someone just forget so much to do with what’s been a-part of their life for the past almost four years?
How could he stand there and act as though I was nothing to him other than a contagious disease that meant to harm him more?
I simply wanted to apologise and be honest with one another for one last time of having the ability to do so, that is all I wanted from this visit.
His stance was protecting the door frame with his hand firmly placed on-top as he held it closely to him, communicating I had no right to try and invite myself in, which I had no intention on doing anyway. It was freezing cold and the more I was speaking and declaring what I would sacrifice to validate what he meant to me, whilst relentless tears were streaming down my face, the more I detected his eyes were flickering to the end of the drive way, as though he was waiting for the arrival of someone. “Have you got someone coming over? Are you seeing someone else? It doesn’t matter if you are, it would make things easier for me knowing you want to move forwards”.
There it was, I gave him the ultimate pass to just be candid and he would have kept his unpretentiousness as a person and all of my admiration.
Instead, he replied with how dare I question him being with anyone else with what I’ve put him through as it was me who cheated remember (of course, because that just so easily slipped from my mind these days), he couldn’t think of being with anyone else yet with the devastating pain I had caused him to fee,l and even if there was someone coming round…which there wasn’t it wasn’t my place at all to investigate.
He then went onto saying how he was seeing two of our friends later that night.
The whole situation is now a blur of bitter emotion, making it hard to remember what was said and how it was said, but it ended with him saying, “I don’t know how blunt I have to be with you Grace, but I don’t want you, or anything to do with you, we both need to just live separately, and you never know what the future has to hold, we could make something work, but it would be 2 or 3 years down the line”.
That cut the most profound scar to date for me and delivered the most catastrophic invasion of vulnerability I have ever felt, especially when four days later….. he waltzes in my new work place on a date.
You think you know someone, but only a break-up will release the truest side you have never known.
Everything he said was a lie, the way he made me penalise myself even more with trying to recollect material on what I had done wrong to him, was buried with the fact he never wanted to be honest about seeing someone so soon after us breaking up because, he knew of how much I would disapprove with what that meant I was to him.
He walked in and my face dropped, I dealt with it surprisingly well, I actually found the whole scenario quite comical, given the fact I gave him all of what I could emotionally four nights before and he proclaimed that was not enough because of the fragile state I had put his heart in and how I had made it impossible for him to even think about moving on.
I stood there with a slight smurk spread on my face and my hand on my hip, shaking my head.
His eyes shot over to me and he looked horrified, not only was his victim stage of “I can’t move on because you’ve affected me so much and I don’t want to love again for a very long time”, became so quickly damaged by the fact that it was obviously a lie, but my opinion of him completely degraded and what our relationship had been was instantly damaged from that, his face explained in deep surprise that he was very aware of this newly grown opinion of mine.
All he had to do was just be honest and say “you know this relationship hasn’t ended how I would have ever wanted it to and you did wrong by me, but as we’ve always said we met so young and neither of us ever really dated and tried to see if we are 100% happy with what we had to offer for one another” instead of bringing up the corruption of my mistake, when let me add, he cheated on me also in the relationship previously last year, but oh wait, all the pain that was inflicted on me and the devastation is miraculously forgotten because in his eyes, what I did was worse?
Instead he played it so deceitfully well, remaining to convict me of being the only awful person ,which is not being over-ridden, I did a lot of damage and that stays true on a huge basis, but don’t play on it and cause me to rebuke myself further in life when actually, you’re doing okay, you’re getting out of bed and have clearly found the time to go out and meet someone or start looking on an app for a new woman, you are more than happy to move on, so don’t hide that you absolute fucking arse-hole.
I felt bitterly angry and found the whole situation excruciating, it was just so uproarious that the man I was rumoured to have known so well, the one I had “hurt” and “destroyed” had so easily moved on, whilst I had been showing up at his trying to make amends for what I had done and salvage the last of our “whole-hearted” relationship.
I nailed the gin’s that night stupidly, as I had to drive back home and on the slightly tipsy walk back to my car I felt my eyes welling up…I stopped myself mid pouring rain “ you will not cry over him anymore, end of, he had your heart and you did something so hurtful and out of character for your nature, but you didn’t deserve that, not that lying to, you are going to be absolutely fine and you caused this for a reason, you are going to be okay” tough love and all that worked, I sniffed up the cold air and the tears I had chocked back and ran to my car as the rain was coming down heavy.
At-least I saw it for myself I said in my mind, at least I know that it happened instead of living in a hole I was before thinking I had completely ruptured his life and made him incapable of moving on destroying him as the person he was.
He’s moved on, now I can.
There are a lot of things I look back over now on and wonder what was real and what was a lie, mainly because I know now that one date has moved onto a fully pledged relationship and that prior to that date they had been dating for in-fact a few weeks.
I don’t think honestly either of us knew what love really meant when we were together, we both wanted it and within the circle of the life we had surrounding us, we felt it but would it have lasted forever if none of this would have happened?
I really don’t see a strong response to that anymore, there’s no abrupt yes or no answer.
Were his emotions truly and raw-fully sincere the whole way throughout our relationship, I honestly don’t think they were.
I wondered if he really did love me the amount he proclaimed to and whether he was always truthful to me with what he wanted.
There is no suggestion here to say he was a malicious person or vindictive liar at all, he will always remain a loving memory to my life regardless of what happened post us, because auspiciously, for his sake that’s how I want to remember him.
But maybe he was more-so suppressing a lot of thoughts through thinking it wasn’t okay to voice them?
Maybe it wasn’t love and this was just a build up to what will be the most spectacular love we are both guaranteed to find through someone else?
I did think we had a chance of getting back together in the future when we both had given ourselves time, and spread our energies else-where, that hopefully, we would grow a new love in addition to the love our hearts once fluttered with through positively the most joyous serenity for one another.
But now, knowing full well all he has done is simply decided the same life he was living is fine it just needs a female companion to help see him through to the end, has completely turned those thoughts into turmoil.
I have lost the biggest amount of respect for him with how easily replaced he has made me feel in transaction to the hurt I caused him.
He met me straight off the back of an almost two-year relationship and he had even moved in with the girlfriend before me, so maybe it’s just the fact he can’t, and doesn’t want to be alone, that signals more to me than ever that I really couldn’t of meant that much to him.
When he met me I asked if it was too soon to be with him as it was only about a month after that passing relationship, he told me the relationship he was in died months ago so he’s felt more than ready to come out of it, and that I was the exception as I was different and he felt I was quite positively the one.
What the hell is he telling this new girl then? Was that all a line, has he now delved into a “sincere” proclaimed lust for her as she is something else and nothing like me (even though she looks a ridiculous amount like me… ), that our love died many months ago? That I was always awful and vindictive and evil towards him through-out the whole of our relationship and it just never worked?
Quite frankly, I am never going to know and will never have the inside details to and do I even want to know? Not really.
I just live on with pity towards him that he always has to have validation from woman through relationships in order to boost the fact he is enough, and the funny thing is he always said I needed attention from men to feel accepted.
This break up became so nasty and bitter so quickly, it really brought the truths about us both out more than either of us ever expected,
Who knows what will have been truthful and honest from his point, all I know is it hurts so much and I have shown so much rage and anger to him, which has only fuelled him with more ammunition to move on and think “fuck Grace, she was awful to me I deserve better”.
The more time out from us, the more cracks start to wean and break through the superficial layers of what our relationship really was, and the more I feel any and every hope of us ever rekindling drifting further and further away making it incapable to be saved.
I mostly played the part of contact after it all happened, but that was due to the fact it took me a longer amount of time than intended to realise what I had done and to be able to come to terms with what I had lost. I did want him and I did want my life with him back, at the time I felt this though, perhaps through more guilt and bereavement of how beautiful it once was more than whether I would have actually stayed fully happy for much longer.