I love you today, I love you tomorrow and I’ll love you always.
“He was the man of her dreams, but her dreams were bigger than loving a man.”
Were heading that way! What ways that? Forwards.
Acceptance is one of those things that everyone wishes for in their lives. The world would be so much easier to live in if we were all able to just accept situations that have happened without questioning any of the in-between faff that comes with it. I suppose though, if you were to go straight in with the acceptance stage, you wouldn’t get to feel the abundance of relief when letting go of everything that was weighing you down before.
It all just suddenly hit me, like a killer light bulb moment, something that snapped me sharpish out of my sympathetic dwelling and made me step into the light of open ended opportunities, leaving the rest behind for good.
I was ready to move on with my life, and to move on from the hurt.
Free and finally accepting the unknown
The past three and a bit months had been nothing but a tumultuous period of my life.
However, just these three months alone, I have undoubtedly acknowledged more about myself as the individual I am than I ever had done within the last several years of being with my ex.
I stayed subdued for a small portion of the time with all I was feeling, that stupidly went into a dispersing accolade of allowing everything to escape from my ability to control myself and my life.
So much hurt and so much pain had been inflicted on both sides of our break-up, he hurt, I hurt, it was finally time to close the door and say goodbye to him, someone I had treasured so affectionately, with a sincere love, someone who I thought I would have conquered the world with one day…he needed to exit the imprisonment of my mind. There was absolutely no good for me trying to hold onto the last thin tethers of what he was to me, it was only a noxious collection of thoughts to furthermore punish myself with when I felt low or missed him.
One of the last encounters I remember having with him, before all the extension of hurt became a pile up of shit on-top of our already flawed relationship, was me telling him I was seeing someone to help deal with everything I was feeling and hopefully, they could assist me to get to the conclusion as to why I caused this upsetting havoc.
I told him I was seeking support from someone as a statement of me trying to become restored in the person I was once for him, so that he would have room for forgiveness and optimistically would take back in the not so far future.
His words on the topic were “yeah good, you need to see someone, I just hope it doesn’t make you any worse than you already are”.
I have been involved in a few counselling sessions since this all transpired because, as amazing as my family and friends support and guidance was, they knew us as a couple and occasionally that permitted an invitation for unwanted answers or opinions to seep into my mind that, in all honesty, I didn’t always need, even though I was asking for the advice in the first place.
I just needed to speak with someone who had no empathetic approach towards him or us or why and just saw me and cared for my well -being at that precise time.
Seeing Linda really ameliorated my progress, she was so constructive with her optimistic look upon life and was just a really lovely, genuine person, all being something that was not my view on psychotherapy or the environment I percieved of it at all.
Before all of this, I was one of those typical people who presumed counselling resonated with the fact that you were going through a rough time therefore, it was a weakness in a person, they didn’t have the ability to just deal with it, causing the whole situation to imply they were incompetent and desperate.
I despise that I looked upon it with such negative, naive eyes, but I am forever grateful I went and had a sequence of sessions, as it clarified that actually, you are nothing but strong when you pursue the needed help of others as it only allows you to repair the broken bits of you just that much quicker.
She encouraged me to accept that what I did wasn’t okay, but it wasn’t awful and I shouldn’t punish myself to the extent I was, but learn from it and, in actual fact invite it in as I was now free now to do everything I’ve always dreamed about and to live my life exactly how I’ve vocalised me wanting my life to be. “That is an amazing thing” she always exclaimed, “you’ve got your life back for just you to live, you can do absolutely anything”.
During my sessions with her she helped me see light to the conclusion that he wasn’t always who I thought he was or who he spent so long portraying as essentially, a lot of things he said in the past or how he acted indicated a need to control and possess, furthermore his view on how we ended was unethically one sided for his benefit, as he also had cheated on me but was in denial of that being mentioned, and that would have always weakened our relationship if we would have given it another go, it would never have been equal again.
I always knew it wouldn’t be a bad idea him seeing someone, but I don’t think he ever will, he’s too proud and mighty of who he is and that he has his life in control, but with side stepping his emotions and plummeting from relationship to relationship will undoubtably, one day catch up on his heart and his mind, even worse on the woman he is with.
She opened up my eyes to so many things to do with me and the couple we were, but most of all she left me with such an appreciated sense of love for myself, something I’ve been trying to work on for as long as I can recollect.
” We are always working on ourselves as a person, constantly evolving to become who we truly are destined to be but also who we truly want to be, we always have an option to change for the better, but it all starts with learning to love yourself” – Linda
The best bit of advice she gave me, something I still stimulate my mind with today was, picture a box.
How would you describe the box as this is to become the box of him, what does it look like? Is it big or is it small? What colour is it? How destructible is it? It needed to be sturdy as it needed to be able to hold feelings and thoughts I didn’t want of him anymore.
Now, every time you think of him, sum up whether it is a positive or negative thought for you to process, if it’s a nice thought of something that recapitulated you of him and made you smile, allow it to linger, but only for a little while, if it’s a disruptive thought of him moving on without you, what he’s said about you, who he’s with now, let the box slide into your frontal vision, open it up and simply place those thoughts in there and shut it firmly with the extra padlock you have envisioned. This box theory worked a huge treat for me as I spent 80 percent of my time thinking of him, so it encouraged me to stop thinking negatively of him and me or what we were and allowed me to detect any unworthy thoughts that were causing unnecessary upset for me to be diverted into… (what my sister re-named it)… ” The fuck it bucket”.
Since everything had accelerated with him through such a short period of time, I know more than I ever wanted to about his new life, so, I have used this mechanism an innumerable amount of times and has been a huge key reason as to why I’m FINALLY able to deal with it.
I am dealing with it, but that doesn’t mean I’m over it, Jesus Christ I have a while before I could ever get into a relationship with someone else again, but it just means I’m now in the position to manage my thoughts towards him or us, and the feelings which coincide with them.
Through the consciousness of acceptance with everything, not long ago, I was enlightened with the realisation that the only relationship I needed to give focus and time to was the one with myself.
So, after patrolling around the streets of London with my mum for Christmas shopping, I decided I wanted to make such a reflective promise to myself, in order for me to take it all seriously and keep on progressing to the person I wanted to be.
I proposed to myself – and finally my validation was complete!
I’ve sanctioned my emotions to upsurge, over-flow and detonate- feeling every horrendous stage of mood I humanly could have, because I needed to, and that is the healthy way to deal with heart-break or any trauma. We are born with such a conflicted bundle of emotions, when you feel something you need to ride through it, otherwise you only bottle it up and allow it to eat away at you later on in life. With that said, it’s time I allowed the recent rips and tears to form new patches for my little hearts repair. (I am imagining as I say that, the scene from Cinderella with all the birds attending to her every need, helping her promptly get ready, or minions…no lets go with minions.)
I was ready to reinstall faith and time in me by committing to myself and focusing on all the positive reinforcement I wanted for my life. I was 23 for god sake, I had just opened the door to complete wanderlust and freedom, I had so much to look forward to in my life and with New Zealand literally a few weeks away, I was more enthusiastic for living than I have ever been before.
I don’t have any ties to come back to now, so if I wanted to, I literally could go out there and make a whole new life if that’s what my heart chooses. I don’t know what I will want, but that’s exactly it, my heart is finally in the demanded role its always wanted to play, and the world is quite favourably my oyster. I have no set-backs or requirements to be here in the shadow of a life that was hesitant and displeasing towards the end, I can make a brand new me, the best version of me I have ever been and incorporate that towards new opportunities.
A day in the life of Grace begins!
My only inspiration now is to get as many things this year ticked off my life list!
Now the series are over, please enjoy my journey to achieve the many tasks I have set myself, from questionable to exhilarating.
My life list will always remain a part of my life so after this year is up, I will always be adding and implementing new exciting goals and places to go. It’s just… well, we might as well start somewhere.
“I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you are not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” F Scott Fitzgerald.