I am …

Learning to be single 

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‘I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone. But, how good at being alone do we really want to be?
Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out the chance to be with somebody great?” – How to be single Alice.




 

Travelling around New Zealand alone is a weird concept. Even though it was something planned with my ex, surprisingly, it feels as though it was always intended for me to be riding solo.
I am currently still travelling around the North island after just under a month of landing here, as I’ve had a few days in Tauranga, Auckland and Taupo with friends who are living here.

One of my friends is a dairy farmer, so she has two shifts she works within the day, which rota me into having time completely to myself from 2.30-5.15.
I allowed myself a complete lazy day recently whilst at hers to mooch around her house, watch films, nap, make endless cups of coffee and sunbath.
I ended my little day to myself before she came home to watching the film “How to be single” as it’s one of my favourites.

I was amusingly surprised with the correlation to the main character and how her way of thinking resonates strongly with me at the moment.

I’ve seen the film about 3 times prior to this viewing, but I think the head space I am in somehow made me understand it from an altered perception.




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“The thing about being single is, you should cherish it.

Because, in a week, or a lifetime of being alone, you may only get one moment.

One moment, when you’re not tied up in a relationship with anyone.

A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend, one moment when you stand on your own.

Really, truly single.

And then… it’s gone”

Alice from how to be single.




 

I bet we could all count the moments of being well and truly single on our hands. Which actually, when we stop and think about it, is quite a sad affair.

People empathise with you when you order food on your own, book a trip on your own, or if you are without a companion for Christmas or valentine’s day, but why?
The amount of people that have questioned if I am emotionally stable in regards to travelling alone and expected a sob story of how I couldn’t find anyone to go with behind it, which is not the case at all.

Most of my friends have moved out, are tied up with renting or focusing on a mortgage, some are engaged, career driven and others simply don’t see how I am travelling as a desirable adventure fit for them, so why would I wait around to find a suitable candidate to go along with, when I have myself. Someone that knows me through and through and that can tell exactly what I need and when I need it, I’m the best companion for the job in my eyes, not forgetting, it’s arrived at a good time for some much-required soul searching.

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Everyone’s mentality, for some reason revolves around the idea that two people becoming one make you more fulfilled and provide you with a more positive future.





In my current situation, at 24, this is the first time I’ve been single since I was 19, and I am slowly trying to edge away from the perception of feeling compulsory to being a part of someone else’s life.
Instead of questioning everyone’s motives as to why they are single and seeing it as a pity party that they are “such a good catch, yet just can’t seem to find that special somebody”, maybe we need to stop degrading their lifestyle choices and start embracing them for their courage of learning to fall in-love with themselves before they embark on the journey of love.

“I’m so obsessed with the idea of being in love that I just, it’s like, I completely lose myself. Like, I forget what I want and I just disappear. I’m like the horse in “The Never-ending Story”.” Alice from How to be single. 




 

It’s a charming thought people being attracted to you and starting out being single you begin to have a few conversations on the go to help encourage your own awareness of “plenty more fish in the sea”.

This is a necessary slope to take as harmless conversation can often provoke your thoughts on what you really want. The more you speak to more people, the quicker you can begin to realise it’s all a complete faff and takes up far too much of your time, which invites effort for only the ones that you have a truthful connection with.

My heart is still precipitously in the process of repairing itself, there are still cuts in healing process, but when I am craving the 1am message from someone who has provided me with attention and lust, I’ve realised, I have to notify when I am wanting to feel that connection of comfort again on a sincere level, or if it’s just me biding time and avoiding the silence of my own thoughts which, result in being “lonely”.

But, besides the downs of missing what was a dependable sex life and someone to always talk to about your day, the ups for me as a singleton are far more worthwhile, especially, when you have those effusive, mindful moments of pure gratification with being alone, the feeling of ample sovereignty cannot be brought or replicated on any other level.



 

I haven’t found the one yet, and I am so grateful I haven’t.
I need this time, and everyone needs a block period of time in their life to be utterly emulsified with their own thoughts and feelings and act upon them freely. I’m currently sitting in a beautiful farm house which is my friends, in the middle of no-where, and the closest shop is 30 minutes into the main centre of Taupo, but I couldn’t be happier with being alone.



 

And as for me, well, I am never going to be anyone else other than me and the main thing this road trip has sanctioned me to start identifying with, is who I truly am, so hello… this is what I have grasped about singular me…

1970-01-01 15.20.08                                            1970-01-01 17.34.05

Firstly, I look very different with and without make-up and I’m okay with that.




 

‘A day in the life of Grace’ is a slogan I was branded with by my ex. He said it when I did something stupid or said something that implied I was incompetent of living on my own without someone holding my hand, despite this being true 80% of the time, I am so capable of taking care of myself, and only recently have I really generated a sense of true independence.


I am super clumsy, but have a real fluky streak which usually only helps me when I catch my phone or laptop that I placed in an unbalanced position, and also motivates a winning streak in a game of pool or darts… for all of 5 minutes.


My main persona cultivates promiscuouity, flirtation and playfulness the majority of the time, but this can get easily mixed up with me when I am being genuinely concerned and caring towards people also.


I have this weird thing where I feel by needing a wee I am being a huge inconvenience, whether it’s out for dinner with someone, in the car, at someones house, I just always put off going until I’m about to burst, there is no reasoning that could been seen as logical, it’s just a weird thing I do.


My favourite films are French films, specifically Amelie, I’ve always wanted to be able to speak the language as I think it’s one of the most beautiful and poetic sounds I’ve heard.


I contain too much excitement to stay modest with my proficiencies or the ones I want to gain, hence the life list. It’s not to be boastful at all, but simply because I want to show others that it’s not as difficult as we think it is to achieve all of our dreams… talking of dreams, my brain lives in a naive cloud 99.9 percent of the time. 


I’m not mysterious or subtle in the slightest, it’s a quality I really wish I had more of. What you see is what you get and I hide no frills, evoking only very forward and quizzical conversations from my behalf… I like to think it’s because I believe life is too short to not say what’s on your mind but, I suppose in hindsight, I just don’t have much of a filter.


I am so sensitive, especially when it comes to managing my emotions, which are always a bundle of flitting, over processed thoughts, but on the contrary,  I possess so much strength when I need to fight for myself.


I over think absolutely everything, if I find you attractive I’ve already thought of your surname being mine.


I’m fun loving and charismatic, with a handful of sarcasm, but can often portray a manipulative side when required with particular people.


I’m passionate about so many things and I always have thirst to develop my knowledge and intelligence… but this is also known as “indecisive” which is a burden for every-day tasks, like what to eat and what to do, what to wear, how to breathe.


I’m down to earth with my kindness and truly care with my entire heart about the people in my life, and I will always go the extra mile for a stranger, mainly because my nan taught me “you never know what goes on behind closed doors”.


I love being around people and I want to always infuse not subtract to everyone around me. I am a social bunny and I can never say no, especially if drinks are involved.


A socialist through and through… the amount of receipts I find and haven’t got a flying clue how a domino’s pizza was a memory… but at some point in my life I felt it was an imprinted moment to keep. My most recent hoarding has been pebbles and shells… please section me now


I’m daring, so if you tell me I can’t do something, I will find a way to accomplish it as a big fuck you, that’s of course…after I’ve over analysed it a million times in my head and put myself down, and burst into tears on a train journey 2 months later rethinking about it… but hey, seeds take a while to grow.


I always try things before making up my mind on it, trisexual I like to say…auto correct almost changes that every time to transsexual, that I am not, I’m a woman through and through.


My smile projects a confident person, but my heart fights an enduring battle of feeling I’m inadequate.


I’m curious with everything in life, and that is a pain because it tends to override my need to be spontaneous.


I am very easily amused and am low maintenance, it really doesn’t take much at all to please me or keep me satisfied and entertained… 


I probably will never find someone I love more than cheese


I love honesty and wholehearted truth, so when i’m dating, I am awful at game playing and don’t tend to find it an attractive quality of someone.


I have a huge heart but I’m not stupid with it, I know exactly who to give my time of day to and who is going to be a sponge to my energy, as I’ve learnt over the years, you can still be a lovely person and say no, doesn’t mean you’re an arse, it’s simply self-preservation.


I am starting to become assertive with who I am the more and more this trip goes on, but what it has already started to implement for me is that, I am free.


And lastly, I am learning to be fearless with life, making every single decision identified as my own.

1970-01-01 16.01.08




So, whatever position your life is in right now, figure out a way to have 5 minutes to you and ask yourself honestly, who am I?




 

2 thoughts on “I am …

    1. Hi bellissamoimage, Thank you! It was really fun context to write! Feel free to check out more of my stuff! “A Millennial girl living in a millennial world”maybe something of your interest. I will give your stuff a look at too! Thankyou so much for commenting and for the positivity! Always such a huge appreciation I’m very grateful.

      Liked by 1 person

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