The shadow that never sleeps


Mental health awareness day has been and gone, and that is exactly why I’m still writing a post about it.

Why we should wait around for one day a year to help define the truly awful effects living with mental disorders has on you, I don’t know?

Being such a positive person who has experienced the disruption of anxiety, I found it really hard to come to terms with ” it’s okay not to be okay”, as I hate being a negative to someone’s s day. I’m a fixer, I want to help people and make them see the benefits to what they give me in life, but when you are needing to be fixed, you can often find it quite hard to receive help.

Often, some of us are “lucky” enough to only have small blips of mental health appear through the period of our lives.
I developed anxiety roughly 3 years ago, it began as a form of drinking anxiety after the occasional heavy night, but progressively became more apparent within my lifestyle even after one glass of alcohol, every-time I went out, to now, no drop of alcohol required to set the monster off.

You will never be able to listen to someone who suffers with anxiety or depression and even begin to understand the pain of their journey, unless you have explored the mortifying depths of upset it creates to you yourself.

My anxiety often makes me feel as though I am in a scary movie.

There is a shadow that lurks in the background of my mind, one that I am always aware is there, and appears in every rooms corner where-ever I am, just waiting for me to be at my most fragile state.

The creepy silhouetted shadow then lurks from the side of the walls and crawls down draping dramatically along the floor to then suddenly elevate up right behind me.
I’m stuck, my back is against it and it’s as though my whole body has become immobilised.
I can’t do anything but receive the attachment of it proceeding to move its slithering demon hands and arms that wrap slowly around my body, interlocking across the front of my face.
The hands then slide up with a slow application to either side of my neck, my mind is racing and my heart is pounding, but my body is fixated on the spot, incompetent of moving, I’m left feeling utterly vulnerable.
It’s grasp suddenly fastens clutching onto the soft delicate skin of my neck, cutting off all oxygen supply, my minds alert, something is wrong and that shifts my whole body into panic mode, but as soon as I start to act upon this sheer unpleasant alert, it loosens, slipping away from my body, sniggering into my ear,  whispering tormented thoughts of how I are inadequate and powerless of control.

My heart tightens, my brain goes into over-load and I feel constantly agitated by everything that is going on around me and everything that people are saying. I huff and sigh and feel as though my breathing is so erratically out of control and in a world of its own spontaneity, it feels as though it could stop at any second.
My hearts murmurs become irregular and I feel an almighty thud of its awakening just after a staggered influx of alternative paces it goes through.

My head feels as though it’s stuck in a fish bowl, my concentration is down, my vision is unfixed and meanders to and from objects, people, things with very little observation, causing more undesirable emphasis to the whole situation.

All I think about is how I need to escape this feeling and the body that is causing all of it to become my reality.
My whole internal state feels septic and as though it’s all shutting down. All of these problems happen at once, the head, the heart, the thoughts, the body, all of it is a sudden overall jumble of fear and nausea, but it all is delivered so quickly and suddenly, causing the re-occurring rhythm of the anxiety.

My anxiety now can occur on any occasion, usually with a huge interference of upset, drama and being run down.

Having ventured into a holistic lifestyle through my work as a beautician and massage therapist, I found a lot of ways to learn to manage it which have weakened the appearance of it’s ugly face.
But for many, it’s really not that simple, it’s a constant battle and a constant emotion that overrides the power to think positively.

Something we can all do, regardless of having experienced it personally or not… is simple, to be kind.
To the people you walk by on the streets, the person next to you on the tube, or the person in your office you rarely speak to.
Everyone is suffering a battle whether that’s mental health or not, and you never know what is going on behind closed doors, but with a little kindness, love and light reflecting onto other people around you, you may just make their day that little bit more manageable.

Choose love, Choose living, Choose being kind.


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