The big D other than… well the other big D (hopefully).
I had a moment the other day at work where I allowed my mind to run freely on a tangent… Hashtag- adayinthelifeofgrace.
Whilst polishing the candle holders can be a long-diverted task of boredom, it does supply quality reflection time to think, and you all know how I love a good ponder into the depths of my darkest thoughts.
It suddenly hit me, I’d been single for almost 7 months, and within those 7 months I had done so much and grown so independent, but by voicing it somewhat gave me the chills of how I’d been alone for quite some time.
So, from this point I decided I wanted to start dating.
(Image screenshotted from Sarcasm_only Instagram Page)
I assumed I wasn’t ready to be with someone, even though, I craved the sweet and attentive accolades from men, more specifically that special someone, and the ability to be able to do adorable things for the right person and get the same butterflies when they did something thoughtful back.
But as soon as I thought of being with someone and having to compromise again, anxiety hit the roof, so I suggested to myself what would be better was to start off easy and simply see it as an opportunity to dress up to the most beautiful version of myself and be taken out for a drink, whilst getting to know a stranger.
I never had the chance to date before my ex, mainly because I was 20 when I met him. You didn’t really date at that age, but also I had a serious relationship prior to that and a year in-between them both, where I did exactly what I’ve done this time round, I spent it working on being me and living for me again.
Rumour has it when you come out of a break-up, both genders on a generalisation, have tendencies to cope with it in a particular way.
Tend to excel into fitness or feeling good about the whole situation.
They focus their attention on friends, family and business in order to overcome the heart ache.
Ready to take on the world and instantly start building a positive environment for themselves again… and of course, getting back on the sexual saddle of the horse.
9 times out of 10, they start dating quickly afterwards and the majority of the time, men are the ones to move on sooner from the split when it comes to actually developing into a new, exclusive relationship.
Women on the other hand…
Feel everything first, we hit rock bottom.
We grieve, stress, cry, eat or avoid eating, focusing our feelings on the hurt, the how, the why and the what ifs of the break up.
We spend the first few weeks to months examining and re-examining every small detail of what happened, how the first year was so good to how the relationship came to an end.
It’s swings and roundabouts of the same conversation with our best friends roughly 50-100 times a day before we start to get sick and tired of listening to ourselves whine about it.
But after a few months, let’s say for arguments sake; 5, the opposites will start to happen on both behalf’s.
Reminisce about the person they gave up on, lost or who mis-treated them. Something little will trigger them to have a thought of that person and it’s as-though Pandora’s box has opened up.
Around this time you will find a message, Facebook like, Instagram follow or any sort of communication from them to mess up your positive trail of you getting through the other side.
They realise they have lost you for good, but even though they don’t want you back, its their way of saying they want to know what’s going on in your life now you’re living without them.
After 5 tubes of ice cream a week, snot drooled sleeves from watching When harry met sally and the notebook on repeat, we have a moment a few months later where we take a look in the mirror and let out a sigh with exclaiming “oh shut up will you”.
We’ve spoken about it with our friends and we are all talked out from the topic. Our mind just suddenly allows us to snap out of the self-pity party we have been engulfed in and the positives start to filter in.
I felt it was time to get out and start to see what all this dating malarkey was all about.
I imagined dating to be this exciting, nerve wrecking but adventurous bundle of butterflies buzzing around constantly in your stomach.
I hate to say it but the beginning kind of is!
The ability to know you’re about to go on a date with someone and you don’t owe them anything, there is minimal pressure, you can walk away both extremely happy and wanting a second date, or you agree to disagree, politely decline a further encounter and walk away thankful that you met someone new and hopefully… interesting.
It was time I found those “good” jeans from the depths of my wardrobe to come out and do their thang…you know the ones I’m talking about.
When you’re in a relationship they lay untouched and unrequired as you’re in a comfortable bubble of “love” and your boyfriends pyjama’s.
These jeans need to dig themselves out and wrap around your lower half because this particular pair always makes your arse look positively peachy and leaves you feeling as though you could run for president.
Now, match it with a cute blouse that screams by the amount of cleavage on show you look desirable but, not desperate, which works perfectly, ONLY IF you remember to stick to a maximum of 4 expresso martini’s… and no shots.
(Obviously spaced out through the duration of the night as well, because if you exceed this level, the blouse goes from “hello, I’m the modern day version of Kate Middleton”, to an accidently breast slip that brands you in his mind as more of a Pamela Anderson for the rest of the date.)
Right, that’s the outfit, flirty but practical, comfortable yet girl next door.
Now on to the preparation, which, if you are anything like me, a woman who has been set on the idea of growing as an old spinster and only ever having room in my love life for the 5 dogs I’ve found on gumtree who are just as unloved and in need of a home as me… this is a helpful ABC guide to getting back on track.
Sleep… once you’ve locked in the day for your date, you will start to stress about how out of the game you really are and all the preparation to make you look normal, or at-least…on par with the tinder profile picture they swiped you for; so, by avoiding a plummet into depression and over-thinking everything, make sure you sleep for as long as possible for the few days building up to the date, puffy eyes are not the one.
Some light pressure point massage to drain your lymph nodes around the eyes are key. (no harm in doing this for a few hours!)
Now… body examination time.
Ladies, you need to get one of those mirrors that every woman hates.
Yes, I know it’s torture, but you need the one where you can actually see your epidermis skin cells shedding, the visible blood vessels from the alcoholic life you’ve chosen proudly presented, and your pours that are beginning to resemble craters in the moon.
Now avoid all flaw spotting and work straight towards the “Jamal” hairs of your face. Often found randomly on the cheek bone, chin, jaw, neck or anywhere which is an unacceptable placement for a woman to develop a sprouting 1 inch black hair.
Get the pretty pink wax strips and start a riot on that moustache that has sprouted and those eyebrows that have decided to form into one.
(The Frieda look only truly ever worked on her, EVER).
After that you may be feeling more on the side on 40 than 24, so best bet is to just throw yourself in the shower, have a cry and then pucker up for the preparation of battle with the leg hair that has been comfortably growing as a thermal layer for the past 7 months.
Once you’ve shed that (30 minutes later – mainly due to the pure satisfaction of HOW soft your new pins are and the memories that flood back as to why it’s good to shave them in the first place,) you feel about 18 stone lighter and progress to shave everywhere else which shows a single hair, excluding face.
Once this level is in full completion- it’s time to move onto the talons you call feet.
Cut and file them accordingly, then once out of the shower splash some colour on them as neatly as you can in order to make them look as humane as possible.
( Not my feet- actually my 72 year old uncles who has more pedicures than me…although blue is not my colour you’re rocking it Clivey!)
Body scrub of hell…
I love a good scrub but dear lord getting your snakeskin removed is a painful procedure, leaving your skin red raw before you lather yourself in coco butter and feel like wet flamboyant seal on the side of a rock practicing her mating call.
Image taken from Dreamtime.com Photogallery-google images.
Depending on how much neglect your skin has been given, (i.e how much product is absorbed within seconds of application) you may need to apply further layers to keep smooth and silky fresh.
Part three- Out the shower
If you’re interested in a glow or tan, slap a bit on the areas that will be on show for your date. I tend to use either a St Tropez instant mousse or if it’s just my legs I use “Sally Hansen” Airbrush legs, the make-up for flawless pins!
( A little less tan than this one time…)
Time to get out that sexy underwear you purchased with a friend a few months ago to remind you that sex is an actual thing and not something you’ve made up.
Oh look, they still have the label attached reminding you that you had to take out a small mortgage to buy them.
Never mind, they will keep your confidence sky high through-out the date and in your mind, you’ll be strutting the streets to superstition playing in your head.
You classify as a regular woman again and after months of restraint, you can finally lift your armpits with happiness towards the sky as yes, you got it, they are hairless again!
Now for the scary part, you look amazing, but who for?
This person you have decided to go on a date with maybe a bumble or tinder date, in which case, you have kind of seen them and judged their profile on the basis of whether they look like a knob or not… yes, I’m talking about all of you men that use the dog filter… stop it, its terrible. That and doing your eyebrows thinner and shorter than Hitler’s moustache vomits in mouth. Not the one.
You’ve decided to take a friendship to the next level due to always having had sexual tension, maybe it’s worth a go?
You met someone naturally and decided on an old fashioned date.
I have been dating and talking to people for 2 months now, it’s been a combination of exhilarating entertainment and eye-opening with the occasion of just full on hassle.
I’ve managed to knuckle down who is a waste of time, who is looking for love (the ones I’m avoiding) and who is just as baffled as me on what they want …obviously the chosen ones.
The main thing that escapes the mind about dating, is that at whatever point, you could fall…
You may just have fate playing on your side to meet a person who fits neatly and comfortably into your life and your whole perception on dating goes from this fun, free spirited and easy-going hobby, to starting to remember how it feels to like someone and getting to know them.
You may be in a comfortable position of your life where you are ready to progress with that, or it may have hit you that your wall is so superiorly high, no wilding can climb it nor can any man on the night watch protect it.
Yes, including you Mr Snow, sorry.
When you’re dating, it’s a funny concept really.
Were all a little broken and bruised all wanting to inevitably find the one, whether we feel ready or not.
No one is dating in order to remain alone.
So, we go to share our baggage, past traumas and pain hoping it’s received with kindness and we all start out with a shielded heart yet an open mind.
To me, what I found was that the whole purpose of dating is to figure out exactly what you want for yourself at that present time, and also what you want to find within your candidates.
You meet people through all different walks of life, people you like, people you dislike, people you would never see yourself with, and it helps you knuckle down what you are looking for within the next person, who is hopefully the left-hand glove to the right hand one you already possess.
But most of the time, when you stop looking for something you think you want, is the only real time you see exactly what it was you were looking for.